#1. Prove yourself wrong.

When I decided to start my Confidence Project, I did a bit of market research from several bloggers and YouTubers that I enjoy to hear what they had to say about confidence.

Granted, many of these voices are Christian or Catholic ones, so most of their advice comes from scripture and is more big-picture focused: “Know that your value comes from God.” “Trust in the Lord and rely not on your own understanding.” “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” And so on and so forth.

On the other hand, I was also getting big-picture advice from more secular, mainstream voices: “Fake it till you make it.” “Ignore the haters.” “What’s wrong with being, what’s wrong with being, what’s wrong with being confident?” (Thanks Demi Lovato.)

I’m not saying this advice isn’t well-meaning. My thoughts on these maxims could make a whole other post. However, when I have tried to follow this advice, it has always escaped me when I needed it the most. In moments when I’m overwhelmed by a world that values me based on my relationship status and my salary, it’s difficult to believe that my worth is found in God alone. When I feel immense pressure to please everyone else, I can’t bring myself to ignore the haters.

What I needed was a list of action-oriented, concrete, and practical rules in order to battle against the waves of insecurity and self-doubt in the moment. I called them my Golden Rules of Confidence. I didn’t want to make an arbitrary list at the beginning of the year and try to apply it to the rest of the year. I wanted this list to be a compilation of truths I discovered along the way.

Little-known fact about me: I have a Ph.D. in Self-Criticism. I’m sure many of you can relate. To be fair, examining your conscience is a good skill to have, but constant negative self-talk has no place in authentic confidence.

Recently, during a stressful day at work, I found myself falling down the negativity black hole when suddenly, the First Golden Rule came to me: Prove yourself wrong.

When people talk about the negative voice in your head, that voice often uses “you”: You are stupid. You are ugly. You’re a failure. When the negative voice in my head talks, it uses “I”: I am stupid. I am ugly. I am a failure. I realized that in order to overcome my self-criticism habits, I didn’t need to prove myself to other people, I needed to prove myself to myself.

I wrote my First Golden Rule on a post-it and stuck it to my work laptop. Seeing that note every day has made a huge difference. I used to get so overwhelmed with feeling that I would never get all my work done that I gave up before I began. Now when I think, “I’ll never get all this done!” I immediately say, “Prove yourself wrong.” And my work gets done! Even if I don’t cross everything off my to-do list, I feel so much more confident at the end of the day.

This Golden Rule also works when I make excuses for not doing something I should be doing. “I’m too tired to wake up now.” “I’m too busy to go to Mass today.” “It’s too late, I’ll do it tomorrow.” Prove. Yourself. Wrong.

I encourage you to try out this Golden Rule for yourself. Let me know how it goes for you. I’m no confidence expert, but a well-meaning blogger trying to figure it out.

Prove yourself wrong. It’s easier than you think.

À bientôt!

Vicky

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The Scariest Four-Letter Word

All great conversations start over a bottle of wine, am I right?

OK, maybe not all of them, but many certainly do, like the one I had last week at a friend’s potluck.

Whenever the word “date” is dropped in a conversation, it seems like every head in the room turns to be a part of it. We all have something to contribute, even if our personal dating experience is limited.

In this particular instance, a girlfriend and I were sharing our frustration at many guys we knew who couldn’t pluck up the courage to ask someone out. One of our guy friends overheard this and immediately put his two cents in. Soon, the entire party – 10 or 12 people of different backgrounds and ages – sat in our hostess’s tiny living room debating until late into the night. Who should make the first move? Why are men so terrified to ask the question? Why do women guard themselves and expect others to read their minds? How does dating even work nowadays?

I do not have the answers to these questions. Sorry. However, the one thing I took from that discussion is that “date” is the scariest four-letter word. And we need to use it, now more than ever.

It’s no secret that the dating world is confusing as anything and no one’s clear on how to navigate it. Therefore,  more than anything else in our relationships, we need clarity. Across genders and sexual orientations, all people, we drive ourselves crazy trying to classify our relationships: “Well, we’re seeing each other, but we’re not together, and we’re hooking up, but he’s not my boyfriend, but he asked me to hang out tonight so I guess we’re a thing …”

Ugh. That was a frustrating sentence to type. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if one of them had said, “Will you go on a date with me?” or even “Is this a date?” Boom. Problem solved.

I and others I know have been on way too many “non-dates”: meetings that seemed like dates, but neither party used the word “date.” And let me tell you, there is nothing more maddening than trying to figure out what that non-date meant.

Let me be clear: I’m not attacking men in particular. Women, or the person on the receiving end of the offer of a date, should be able to demand clarity. I’m also not saying that men and women can’t go out as friends. I’ve gone out with men as “just friends” and had a great time! In those cases, the guy’s intention was clear, the pressure was off, and I could just relax and be myself. And the same goes for actual, romantic, I-like-you-that-way dates.

A date is just a date. It’s not a marriage proposal, and it doesn’t even mean you two want to be in a long-term, committed relationship. It’s just a date.

So if you are planning on asking someone out, please, please use the word “date.” Conversely, if you receive an invitation, please ask for clarification: “Is this a date?” It’s a scary word, but we need to use it. Even if someone says no, I guarantee they will appreciate your courage and honesty. And, if that person says yes, congratulations! Now your first-date jitters will stem from butterflies when you see your date coming toward you and not asking yourself whether you’re on a date at all.

Bonne semaine!

– Vicky

What’s your most awkward first date story? Share in the comments below!

How to Have a Respectful, Fruitful Discussion with Anyone

Sometimes I think we will never have world peace as long as we have the Internet.

I love the Internet. I probably spend too much of my time on it. But any time a controversial news item is released or any sort of election happens, I want to chuck my laptop and phone out the window and never leave my room. This weekend was one of those times.

While it’s a marvel that so many people can establish a platform for sharing their stories and opinions via the Internet, we as a culture seem to have lost the art of arguing. I’m not talking about trolling in all caps, but about formal debate and discussion based on mutual respect. We grumble about how politicians care about nothing but loyalty to a political party, then turn around and call a stranger “bigoted” or “stupid” simply because this person doesn’t share our particular world view. If everyday citizens can’t learn to respect each other online, how can we expect world leaders to make peace with each other in real life?

So because we all could use a reminder, here’s how to have a respectful, fruitful discussion in just nine easy steps.

1. Cool it.

Emotional appeal is an argumentative strategy, but a reasonable argument is not fueled by emotion. So when you get angry about a particular issue, don’t jump on social media to write a lengthy post. Don’t launch into a full-blown defense of your point at the mere mention of the topic. Arguing doesn’t solve anything; discussions lead to solutions. If someone tries to provoke you into an argument, say, “Look, we’re really worked up right now. Can we discuss this when we’ve both calmed down?” This is not to say that you can’t be passionate about a certain issue, but flying into a rage is a surefire way to let the other person know you can’t be taken seriously.

2. Do your research.

In formal arguments, each side has to consider not just its own points, but any possible counter argument. Though the Internet has made petty online bickering commonplace, it has also made doing research to create clear, fact-based arguments easier than ever before. Spend some time researching causes you’re passionate about. Read the pros. Read the cons. Read Republican, Democrat, independent, liberal, conservative, purple, green, and yellow content. Get a well-rounded sense of the talking points surrounding a certain issue. And be wary of where your data comes from; a little extra research into the political and religious affiliations of a study can go a long way.

3. Look to share, not to convert.

The goal of a discussion is to discuss. If it’s about making people agree with you, that’s called poor evangelization. You may still disagree with the other person after your discussion, and that’s OK. Your goal for a discussion should be to offer new insight that the person might not have considered before. This is the kind of conversation that changes minds. “I changed my world view because someone forced their beliefs down my throat,” said no one ever.

4. Respect does not equal agreement.

Let’s be real here; in today’s Internet arguments, “She doesn’t respect my opinion!” more often than not means, “She doesn’t agree with me, therefore, she’s an inferior being.” Kindness and good manners are not contingent on how similar your world views are to those of the other person. The Golden Rule isn’t any different online than in person.

5. Disagreement does not merit disrespect.

Some words to eliminate from arguments: hypocrite, bigot, hater, idiot, lunatic. As we all learned in elementary school, insults hurt and they get you nowhere. It is possible to separate the person from their opinion. Just as you would want the other person to respect your freedom of speech, you should be respecting theirs. As Evelyn Beatrice Hall, the Voltaire biographer, wrote, “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”

6. Listen. Listen. Listen.

How many times have you caught yourself saying, “Yeah, I’m _______, but I’m not like one of the crazy ones”? When you’re having a discussion, don’t put the other person in a catch-all box based on their world view. And don’t write that person off just because he or she has a different perspective than yours. People are so complex and interesting if you pay close enough attention; why do you think Humans of New York is so popular? Pay this person the courtesy of listening, really listening. It’ll help you with the next step, which is …

7. Ask questions and talk about solutions.

If you were really listening to this person, and not checking your phone or planning a counter argument to shut them down, you should be able to come up with a few questions. “What do you think about ________?” “I see your point, but what about ________?” “Can you please explain further what you mean by ________?” Asking questions doesn’t mean you’re “giving in,” but that you’re really trying to understand what that person is saying. You can also ask the person what solutions they have to the problem, and share some of yours. Proposed solutions move the conversation, and society, forward.

8. Be honest when you don’t have a good response.

Give the other person a chance to ask you questions, and be honest when you can’t give an answer. That doesn’t make you weak or uneducated or unprepared — it makes you a human being still trying to figure it all out. Get off your high horse. You don’t know everything. Only one being has all the answers, and He is not of this world. Say, “That’s a good question. I’ll research it further and get back to you.”

9. No matter how different your opinions are, you and the other person are equals.

Period.

So if you want to join the online discussion of last week’s Supreme Court decision, or any discussion, please keep these rules in mind. Let’s make the Internet a better place, one fruitful, respectful conversation at a time.

À la prochaine!

– Vicky

Question: What are YOUR rules for respectful discussions? Leave them in the comments below!